Just Jo It

I was very proud of myself on Monday. Jon came to Prescot Museum with me to print off my CV, of which I made 40 copies, and we went around Prescot and Huyton handing them out. I must have given about 15 out that day and then when I got home I emailed my CV and cover letter to over 25 theatres and ars centres in the North West. I also went to Connexions with Jon and had a word with the lady on the desk. She was really helpful and I found 3 jobs in a folder she let me look through. I'm really hoping that I hear back from one of them which I applied for. It was a business adminsupport role based in Manchester, 18 month contract @ £16,000pa. It looked fantastic, working in an office helping to organise events and general admin duties which I pretty much did when I was working for the Arts & Events Service. Fingers crossed with that one.

I had a call yesterday from a guy from GameStation in Huyton asking if I am available for an interview on Friday (tomorrow) or whether it was too short notice, and what hours I am available for work. I told him Friday would be great and that I can work any time except for Thursday nights. My interview is tomorrow at 9.30am and I'm hoping that it goes well and I'll get some full time work from it, or at least 20+ hours. I also had an email back from JMS Marketing Ltd who provide coaching in sales/marketing, customer service and promotions. I don't know if that's what I want to do so I'm not sure about ringing them back to arrange an interview. I'll have a think about it today and see what I feel.

As well as looking for a job, I've also been contemplating whether I should go back to university next year. I've been looking at courses at Liverpool Hope and have found a few that look interestng: Philosophy & Ethics, Media and Tourism. I don't know how beneficial they would be for me if I had a degree in them, because I still haven't got a clue what I want to do in future. Philosophy & Ethics would allow me to express a lot of my thoughts and opinions on the world and gain further insight into life. Media would cover a lot of my extra-curricular hobbies such as writing, photography and possibly theatre to some extent. Tourism would benefit my management skills by looking at arts/heritage management and how tourism can benefit local and international communities. The open day for Hope is this Saturday 7th, which I'm hoping to attend. I've got nothing to lose and I don't want to wait until June for the next one as it will be too late by then.

I could possibly look at studying in London if there are any better courses down there, but I would have to think about living expenses down there as well. I'm not too rushed for time to decide what I want to do so I'll just play it by ear for now and see what comes up in the next couple of months. Watch this space.

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But I can not forget
The way I feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

I can't pretend anymore
that I am not affected, I'm not moved
I can't lie to myself
that I'm not always thinking of you
You made me strong
to show me I'm not weak to fall in love
well I thought I'd never need
now I can't get enough
I always made it on my own
I always thought that I would keep control
You changed everything I believe in
And now I just can't fight this feeling, baby

I raise my hands and I surrender
'Cause your love is too strong
and I can't go on
Without your tender arms around me
I raise my hands and I surrender
I don't wanna resist
'Cause your touch and your kiss
have shattered my defenses
I surrender

I have to admit that I
I never thought I'd need someone this way
'Cause you've opened my eyes so that I
I can see so much more
I always made it on my own
I always thought that I would keep control
You changed everything I believed in
And now I just can't fight this feeling, baby

I raise my hands and I surrender (Oh, I surrender baby)
'Cause your love is too strong
and I can't go on
Without your tender arms around me
I raise my hands and I surrender
I don't wanna resist
'Cause your touch and your kiss
have shattered my defenses
I surrender

I surrender to this feeling in my heart, uhuhu
I surrender to the safety of your arms
to the touch of your lips
to the taste of your kisses

I raise my hands and I surrender (oh, baby, baby)
'Cause your love is too strong and I can't go on
without your tender arms around me, hey
I raise my hands (oh baby) and I surrender (surrender)
'Cause your love is too strong and I can't go on (without you)
without your tender arms around me, hey

I raise my hands and I surrender
'Cause your love is too strong
and I can't go on
Without your tender arms around me
And I surrender

Surrender, surrender

I can't pretend anymore
I can't lie to myself
that I'm not always thinking of you

This last week has been amazing. Just the thought of it gives me goosebumps and I really don't want it to end. Sadly, there are a few factors getting in the way of things continuing just now. I well and truly don't know what I would do if things had to come to a sudden end. I am sure they will pass soon enough though, just have to keep strong and believe. A couple of things have gone well which I am really happy about, but it's the main factors that haven't gone so well which matter most. People need to learn that they have to be so much more open-minded nowadays. Will it ever happen? Who knows.

I can't believe how fast this year has gone. It seems like only yesterday when everyone was getting excited about all the activities that were planned in 2008. Well regardless of how long we have left in 2009, there is no sadness here at all. Ok, maybe with the job hunt and finance there is, but that's besides the point. I've had loads of fun days out lately - shopping, chilling with friends, watching a hand ball game, going on a random train adventure, helping Gunhild with her new car and generally being out of the house. Tonight is going to be no exception as I am going to London for the night! Not really sure where I'm gonna end up tomorrow, but I've noted a few places that I want to visit. Trafalgar Square is definitely on the cards since the plinth event is still running. If only I had been here last week to see Gav! I did manage to stay up to watch him online 3-4am though so I was happy about that because he did a fantastic job! Would love to stay and ramble some more, but I need to go and get washed and ready to leave in an hour. Adios amigos!

Things seem to be going smoothly today. I've spoken to a couple of people over the last few days which has made me feel better than I was. Sure it's not sorted anything out or made me figure out what is up, but it's made me happier all the same. I've had a few great days out with mates lately too, mainly with Jon but met Emma, Kim, Megan and Gunhild a couple of times too. Yesterday was a lazy day, but I found lots of old CD's with photo's on from school, college, drama and dance which brought back so many memories. I spent the entire day uploading and tagging them. It's been fun and I've enjoyed myself. Hopefully things stay this way and start to improve from here.

Don't think I'm upto much tomorrow apart from my short meeting with the job centre at 10.15am. I was meant to be going to town with Steph and Karla, but they've both got other plans now. I feel a constructive day coming on. Tidying my room has been on the agenda for a few weeks now. When I get money I'm going to redecorate too. I want to create a little office-like space under my bed. Steph said she'll help, but I don't know if I can trust her with a paintbrush, ha!

I've got some voluntary work lined up for Friday at the Old People's Fun Olympics which is taking place in Kirkby Leisure. I'm quite eager to help out and watch, but having to be there at 8am makes me want to cry. Should be a good day though - I'm excited to watch the old folk taking part in the welly throwing competition.

A good friend of mine Gav has managed to get himself a spot on the fourth plinth in the One & Other art project. He's got a grand idea and I'll be watching him online at 3am on Saturday morning to show my support. Best of luck fella!

Hoping to go to the Jubilee Park Fun Day on Saturday, 12-4pm. A couple of few others said they will come, and Steph said she may come after work, but depends on the weather. Fingers crossed it will be nice because I'd rather be out than stuck in the house with nothing to do.

Going to reserve free tickets (via the 'Night Less Ordinary' scheme) to watch Kes in the Playhouse with Jon and Steph next Friday. I don't think I've ever seen it, but it will be a good night out. I haven't seen Steph for what seems like a lifetime. I'm hoping to catch up with her before next week, but if not then Friday will have to do.

That's all for now.

I don't really know if I'm in the mood to write tonight. Last night was quite emotional and I don't know how I am feeling about it right now. I feel better in a way because I've managed to clear a couple of things that were on my mind, but I'm still in two frames of mind, if not more. There are so many things that seem so simple for me to sort out, yet they are proving to be more difficult than expected. I've been stuck at a crossroads for the last couple of months and didn't know where to turn. I thought my path was clearing and I was making progress with it, but last night I seemed to get stuck in reverse gear and I'm back where I started again. One minute I want one thing, the next minute I want another. Am I fooling myself, or am I trying to figure something out that doesn't need figuring out and just needs time? I am getting quite impatient lately, I just want to know what the outcome is going to be so that I know which path I need to be on. I don't want to be heading the wrong way and end up getting hurt again. Time will help me figure out what it is I want, but I feel like I need some kind of sign to appear to me so that I can get some sense of guidance too. I wish I had some smarties to help me with the answers.

I was reading through some blogs of a friend today and I was really inspired by some of them. It also made me realise just how much I love, and have missed writing. So, it has been almost a month and here I am. I have finally decided to write again. I have had far too much on my mind lately and it's time to let go of a few things, literally. Some of that will happen by writing here and others I will need to work on, but at least this is a start.

There has been a lot happening in the last month. First off, I completed a CSLA Level 2 sports award which allows me to coach basic sports in the community. I just need to do 10 hours voluntary work to actually get certified for it now, but I'm not too sure where to go for this. I went to watch the Knowsley 3000 show which a lot of my friends were involved in and I can't begin to tell you how impressed I was. The children and staff of both shows did such an amazing job and all their hard work really did pay off. Watching it made me realise how gutted I am that I have grown up because I just wanted to get up there and get involved with them. I am so proud of them all! I was so happy to see Emma again too - she was the main director for the Huyton show and when I found out I decided to go along and surprise her. I went a long for a couple of days when I was free to help out and met some other amazing people there too.

There is one person in particular from the summer school project that I am glad to have met whilst I was there, and that is Jen. We started talking a couple of weeks ago and I have really enjoyed her company. I went to see her band Triphazard playing live with Nat, Dan and another Nat on Saturday and we had such a great night. I am hoping that there will be many more nights out like it, and also the start of a beautiful new friendship. The band is fantastic too and you should check them out! I'm very much looking forward to seeing them again soon. Maybe you can come with me next time?

Saturday night ended with a lovely chilled drive home from Ormskirk at 4am. I managed to get 3 and a half hours sleep before I woke up on Sunday morning. I didn't feel tired, but was thankful that I had another half hour before I actually had to get up. Sunday was a big adventure to Osmotherley, North Yorkshire. I bumped into Megan, another friend of mine, last Sunday when she was busking in town with one of her band mates, Becky. We went for a coffee when they finished and asked me if I was up for a road trip since both of Becky's cars had broken down. I wasn't going to turn down a road trip or chance to watch their band playing live, so I gladly offered to take them. It was a folk festival on the moor and although the actual gig wasn't that good, the day was lots of fun! You should check out their band, Stealing Sheep as they are also fantastic!

I seem to be doing ok financially lately, even though I had to fork out almost £100 last week for my car on a new tyre and wiper before it went for an MOT. It's been worth it though having spent the money I have on certain things and going out. The only thing that puts a downer on it is that job hunting has been pretty lame this week. There haven't really been that many jobs to apply for, apart from one in the Unity Theatre for a trainee technician. I really hope I hear back from it. I never heard back from the Entertainer and the job in Kent that I applied for got back to me saying that I wasn't successful. I've still not heard back from the woman I spoke to about being an online mentor either. That was only voluntary work, but it's still something that I would love to do. I'll have to email her to see if she's had any news on local training for me, and if not then I'll have to go to London to do it. Should be worth it though, I love advising and mentoring people.

Advice is a funny thing. I don't intend for any of this to sound big-headed, but I always seem to get compliments on how good I am at listening and giving good advice. If that's the case then why can I never listen to, or advise myself when I am faced with similar situations? I've been in confusing situations a lot in the last few weeks and I am glad to say that my friends have been there for me to pull me through. It has made me realise who my real friends are and just how much they mean to me. I take a lot of people for granted most of the time because I have an issue with trusting people. Whether they realise it or not, there are some people that have taken advantage of me a lot lately and it's time for me to put a stop to it. I don't really know where this is going, but I do know that I am fed up of feeling like some kind of kids toy. It's like my strings are being pulled until I am no longer wanted and then thrown carelessly to the bottom of the pile, then pulled along again when someone decides they want something from me again. It's a very repetitive process, and one that I am getting very tired of. I've realised it does nothing but hurt me inside and tire me out. I have finally decided to cut those strings so that nobody can play with them any more. No more being stringed along by people as and when they feel like. I am my own person and I should be free to do what I like. Now I can be, no strings attached. Pun intended.

I can't really see things changing with my mum any time soon. Sometimes we get on and sometimes we don't. That's just how it is with her and I have accepted it now. She is who she is and I have learnt a lot from her, both good and bad. For that I will always be thankful. I just hope that things will start to clear up a little in the future and we can be a little closer and more like family members than friends that never see eye to eye. I find it quite sad that I've been so independant since a young age, but that's just how things have turned out. It doesn't mean they have to end up that way though, and in time I am hoping to start making changes to this if she will put in some effort too.

I think retail therapy is the way forward for me tomorrow. I was going to go today, but got caught up with a few other things. There's a jacket that I'm wanting to buy from River Island that Megan also wants me to get. I tried hers on when she showed me around her place on Sunday and I loved it, so I'm going to treat myself to one with the money that they gave me for taking them to the gig. I also need to get a mocha from somewhere too and compare it to the one I had on Sunday. Don't ask! Jon finishes college at 3pm so I'll go and meet him and I can get all that done and have a nice catch up with him over coffee. I feel like I haven't seen him properly for so long. After town I'm going to pay nan, grandad and uncle Ian a visit as I haven't seen them properly for a while. Ian has money for me to pay for the new tyre I got too, so that will go towards my night out this Saturday. Not sure who else is coming out yet but I'm going to watch one of Jen's friends playing somewhere and then make the most of the rest of the night. I really hope Nat will come out to celebrate her last night of being in Liverpool, but I don't know if she will or not. Only time will tell.

I think way too much. Sometimes I wonder if it's a bad thing because it can complicate even the simplest of things. I really don't know, but it's not like I can switch off my mind. It does have its advantages and can come to good use sometimes, with the likes of understanding people and giving advice. I suppose I'm just a very complex creature.

Not really been bothered or had the energy to post anything lately. I'm bored of my life and always ending back in this position. Loads of crap been happening lately and I can't be bothered with it any more. People spreading rumours and making out that I'm a two-faced, lying bitch that has nothing to do other than spread bullshit about people. I've lost friends because of it and I seriously can't be assed with it any more. I'm too emotional and soft for my own good and I always let people use me without meaning to. I can't help trying to be nice and help people out, but people just learn that and start taking advantage. Not happening any more though. I've learnt in the last couple of months that I can put my foot down, and I've been doing it too. With all the shit that's been kicking off lately, it's made me think a lot about a few things. I'm a nice person, and it always seems to be the nice people that always get fucked over and the bad people that get everything the good people should deserve, but never get. Why? I don't get it.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it a lot and I have realised that no matter how much I get fucked over for being nice, I'm not going to let it stop me being that person that I am. I'm not gonna turn nasty just so I can start getting things all the 'bad' people are getting. No way! I'm there for my friends, I'm there for people who need a helping hand, and I'm the Jo that everybody knows and [without sounding big headed] loves. I don't want to change who I am for anybody. I've had to be cold and drop friends in order to stop myself getting angry and really biting people in the ass, but it's made me feel a lot better about situations in knowing that I'm not as soft as people think I am.

Having said that, I've also realised what I'm missing and feel like it's time to start putting things right. Some people have taken the piss, and others have fucked off. I want to put everything back into perspective and put right what I know feels wrong at the minute. It's taken time to realise it, but it's time that I definitely needed to think about things and now I'm ready to start making the changes that I know will be for the better. No more looking back for me.

In terms of the future, I've got a sports course that I start tomorrow and finish on Thursday which I'm looking forward to. On Thursday night I'm going to watch the summer school show that is going to be amazing. Then next week I'm going to see Tim Minchin in The Lowry in Manchester with Karla which I'm really excited for. Busy week ahead, but still in desperate need of a job asap! Might also be going to Flamingo Land on 12th Sept too, that is if Leanne and Colette decide that I had enough input in the Kaboom show to go. I don't feel like I deserve to go, but all the kids want me to go so I'll wait and see what Leanne and Colette say.

Going to carry on job searching now. It's raining and I can hear it outside, it sounds lovely!

I really don't know what to do any more. The hunt for a job has begun again, but this time I don't know what kind of job I want to do. I'm going to sign on again tomorrow just so that I've still got some income to go towards bills for the time being. Whilst looking through jobs in Liverpool on Job Rapido last night I came across a counselling for children job. After reading the job description I knew I wasn't qualified enough for the job, but then I found another vacancy for an online volunteer counsellor for a Beat Bullying website. You had to be qualified for this job too, but I emailed the guy and asked him if I could be given a chance even though I have no counselling qualifications, just knowledge and passion for helping people. This is something (I think) that I now want to aim for in the future, and being an online counsellor for just 4 hours a week would be a great start for me, since I'm on the computer a lot of the time anyway. They offer training and supervision, so I don't see how a qualification could get in the way. They could give me a trial period and see how I do for a couple of weeks or something. I really do hope that I get a chance!

This coincides a lot with my previous post, where I stated that I would love to start some kind of agony aunt related website. Maybe I have been following the wrong path for the last few years and I should be helping people instead. I've been helping people since I became a peer-mentor in Year 10 and I always get such a buzz from doing so. I've often had compliments and thanks from people who I have given advice to and cheered up in times of need. Maybe it's time for me to jump off one track and onto another, start over with something that might actually take me somewhere and make a living out of doing something that I am good at! I'd be interested in counselling young people, or becoming a Connexions Adviser, something like that where I could have an impact in the future of lives. But even just helping out on a personal basis would be good for me too. I could, and would, help out with absolutely anything, within reason of course! I've been thinking whether I should go back to college to do a counselling degree or something, but I really don't know just yet. I'll see what happens with this volunteer job and if something comes of it then I'll look into courses. It will be a pain having to pay to do a course and I hate the way you have to be qualified to get jobs now even though you could be quite capable without having to pay for an education. But if it pays off in the end then I'm sure it will be worth it. Watch this space.

I'm not really sure what I want to do in terms of starting my own project/business yet either. I'm sure I would be quite capable of doing it, and I've already started writing out a list of things that I would need and pricing them up to apply for funding. Whether I will or not is another matter, but at least it's a start. I just don't know whether I am concentrating on the right project though. I've been working on Kaboom for now, but should I start to focus on setting up an adult drama group? I don't want to just sit back and wait for things to happen, because they won't. I need to write down the pro's and con's of each project and see which would benefit me the most. I'll have to see if Leanne is around to discuss it with too, she will give me lots of advice and help me decide which way would be best to go. I'm going to start some more lists for funding too, so that I've got them planned ahead of time. That way I don't have to do it all last minute. Watch this space also.

Yesterday was a great day. The sun was shining, I felt good and I had lots of fun. I went to meet Nat after work because I wanted to see her and treat her after the conversations we've had over the last few days. It's been great getting to know her more and I hope we get to see each other more. We went to see Jordan in John Lewis and managed to set one of the alarms on a radio, but Jordan shouted at us even though it didn't go off. After that we went to Kimo's for lunch and had pizza's and argued who was going to pay, who would buy desserts and milkshakes, and we had a real good laugh. After Kimo's we started walking back into town and after we had just passed Jungle World Nat decided she wanted to go in to see what it was like. I wasn't too keen on the idea but said she should go in and get some flyer's and ask for Sam to say hi for me. As we started walking back up to the entrance I spotted Leanne (the one who is in charge) and I dodged into Smokey Mo's so she wouldn't see me. She headed up towards the little park place with Diane and someone else for a smoke, so I thought sod it and went in with Nat for 5 minutes. My heart was pounding, but it was exciting! When we got down the stairs I saw Zoe who didn't really acknowledge that I was coming in so I just ignored her the whole time I was there. I spotted Kayleigh who just looked at me as though I was another customer, until she realised it was me then jumped on me and gave me a big hug. Louise wasn't in, but I went to see Sam who was in the roller rink. She was surprised to see me too and they were both telling me that Naz had come in to see people the other day too! How exciting! Kate came in a short while later but I didn't look at her and thought it would be best if I went before anybody started to moan, so I gave everyone hugs and told Sam I'd come back to meet her after work.

Me and Nat didn't really have anything to do after that. We walked into town and she saw her mate from school working in Zorba Sweets, so we went in there and spoke to her for ages. By about half 4 we left there and started walking back to Jungle World to get Sam, when Nat bumped into another old school friend so we chatted to her for a short while. When we arrived for Sam, Kayleigh was outside having a smoke so we went and spoke to her for a while and had a good catch up and a bitch about JW since we both hate it so much. Then she went back in and we waited for Sam. Nat went home then (*sad*) and me and Sam went to Argos to buy a wireless adapter thing for her Orange Internet contract. What an adventure this was! We went to the Orange shop to find out whether she had bought the correct thing, and to our surprise we were welcomed by the guy who served us last time when she bought it! So he looks through the Argos catalogue that we picked up and eventually tells us that what she had bought wasn't right, and she needed to cancel her old dongle thing and order a new one. It sounds so simple! Sam was on the phone for ages, on hold, to finally be put through to the phone contracts department instead of the Internet department. She hung up and said she'd do it when she got home. Bless the guy though, he's such a nice fella and I'm sure Sam and I will be going back to see him again soon haha!

Sam was so stressed out and feeling like crap so to cheer her up I offered her a lift home and she gave me a great big hug! Then I took her for a 2 Joe's and treated her to a milkshake. I was shocked that she'd never had one before, so she was in for a real treat. Little to my surprise, so was I! Sam got a galaxy shake and I went for my ever loved rusks. The guy made Sam's first and put it on the counter. 'One galaxy milkshake', he said in his confusing (I think it was) Scottish accent. I waited for mine whilst Sam indulged in her shake. She loved it! Mine was done. 'And rusks for the baby', said the guy. Our mouths dropped. I don't think anybody knew whether to laugh or be in shock and I think they were all faced with a bit of both! I started laughing and acting all innocent saying 'I'm not a baby' with a sad face, and everyone else started laughing too. It's a good job I have a sense of humour and could see the funny side in it, or it would have been him in the blender next! It was funny how he just came out with it out of the blue. I'm never going to live that down now though, especially not with Sam! Good times! By the time we finished in there we were asbolutely shattered and started walking back to the car. It was a long way off, but we got there in the end. Sam had left her bag in JW as well so we went there on the way home to pick it up and she told Marie about her wages too (as she'd been paid £100 less than what she should have been) so she's sorting that out for her today. We managed to get to her house without getting lost this time too, we were well chuffed! All in all, a fantastic day. What more can I say?! :D